is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
