So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
This is the high leading the old right now
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
