i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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