3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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