when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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