Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
sex in a hospital.. check
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
