the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
