Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
