Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
