Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize