Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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