You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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