Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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