my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
