Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
