My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
be right there i have to get my cape
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
