he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
