I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
