my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
