Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
