Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize