Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
