did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
