I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
