I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
