and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
