I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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