We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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