the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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