hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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