The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
