I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize