I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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