I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
