Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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