hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
