God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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