I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
