I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
