3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize