I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
