if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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