U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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