Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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