Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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