On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
