I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
from now on my penis is your penis
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
