Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize