walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
