I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
