just tell him i said nine months
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize