Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
