my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
