I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
