I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She bit a glass in half.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
