I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
