I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
